Mantras

Warning: Every learning portrayed here is the product of experiences forged in fire, 

often with immeasurable pain. 

The reader should not dare to think this is wisdom, but rather the result of infinite clumsiness. 

Additionally, everything written here, like me and my circumstances, is subject to change.

A healthy relationship of any kind is teamwork, not competition. It's about growing together, not about who wins.

All the relationships you've had, have, and will have will (for life or death) end. Consider, then, that every interaction you have will be, by its very nature, the first, the only, and the last one. Enjoy them, and when the time is right, let them go with love and gratitude.

Always listen to your intuition, without exception. Your brain has evolved in layers, and the first layer is precisely the one that sends warning signals to your body when something is wrong. Millions of years of evolution haven't been in vain: listen to your survival instinct; it's clear and compelling.

Corollary: Separate your intuition from your anxiety. Intuition communicates with equanimity; anxiety, with ruminative emotional chatter.

Being possessed by emotions robs you of objectivity. If an emotion is ruling you, the first thing to do is stop and define it; then, proceed as you need to.

Believe in proverbs. In its various forms and manifestations, humanity has always been and will always be essentially the same. Ancient wisdom should not be disregarded.

Compatible boundaries are necessary for relationships to work. The more others' boundaries exceed yours, or vice versa, the more incompatible the relationship will become. And that's okay.

Fundamental corollary: If you constantly bend your boundaries to meet someone else's expectations, you'll forget who you are. Compromise is good; fracture is not.

Devoting your energy to pleasing others will attract the wrong people into your life. There are emotional parasites waiting eagery to lurk, waiting to feast on people incapable of saying no.

Don't be a mirror for someone who doesn't want to look at themselves. Many, many people are not ready to be reborn: some aren't yet, and others never will be. It's not your place to rush the process for others. 

Corollary: Be alert to the signs of emotional irresponsibility. If you get involved with someone who has no intention of looking inward and questioning their own actions, sooner or later, you will pay the price.

Don't fill the silence. Give others the space to show who they are.

Don't make decisions from a place of death; decide from a place of life. The fear of dying, the fear of loss, the fear of a cycle ending, makes us make decisions from a place of grief, anticipating (or rather, prolonging) the pain. Decide from a place of life, from the search for a path of peace.

Emotional transformation (and healing) is one of the most intimate processes a human being experiences. Like every personal hell, every path to healing and spiritual growth is a personal journey. Supporting and being present is a tremendous blessing and a great privilege (both for the one healing and for those witnessing it), but you cannot intervene.

Every hell is personal. It's beautiful to have people around supporting you to get out of it, but your hell remains yours alone.

Corollary: You shouldn't interfere in other people's hell, because their demons may end up hunting you.

Every situation that upsets you teaches you something. Sometimes it's about what you need to learn about yourself; other times it teaches you about others (and sometimes, too, how to refine your own boundaries).

Feeling your emotions is healthy and necessary. Suppressing your emotions will damage your health (sometimes irreversibly). On the other hand, letting emotions control you will lead you to the worst places imaginable. If you understand your feelings, you can also guide them, welcome its spectrum, and you will be (and feel) more fulfilled.

Friendship is the relationship that should flow most easily. It's tribal love, a safe space, and people with whom you can leave most of your masks behind. It doesn't mean there won't be differences; it means that, despite the differences, the common ground, the shared moments, and the growth together are experiences you'll never stop valuing.

Giving advice to someone is like entering their home. You either ask permission or you are invited in. Offering advice without prior consent is not only disrespectful; it is also a violation of privacy.

Healing is not a bed of roses. Healing, in fact, is deciding to cross the path of thorns you're trying to avoid. It's chaotic and painful; not only because you must confront the emotions you've suppressed, but also because you have to accept that on more than one occasion, your lack of awareness harmed others. The reward for learning to deal with pain is learning to deal with joy. 

Corollary: It's difficult to think about embarking on a path that will hurt and force us to confront our own shadows; for this reason, most people don't do it. What makes it worthwhile is that, scarred and scabbed, the you you become after looking honestly at the mirror, will be the most beautiful and powerful version of yourself.

If you try to change someone, let it be yourself. Changing others is impossible and will only result in emotional fractures. Changing yourself also hurts, and yet, this is not only possible but also one of the biggest and most beautiful acts of resistance you can undertake.

Let go of the illusion of control. Fortunately, we have no control over anything or anyone but ourselves. It's terrifying at first, and liberating later.

Love is unconditional; relationships are conditional. You can love without limits, but your bonds must be symbiotic by definition. Love is something you carry with you, regardless the state of your relationships.

Nothing is personal. No action (even if it's in response to something you've done) is fundamentally about you, but rather about how the other person understands the world through their own codes and experiences.

Corollary: Everything is personal. Just as others respond to their own history and worldview, so do you. In that sense, your experience of the world is entirely personal and not obvious to others.

Physical attraction can be extremely dangerous. If what you feel is physical magnetism, you're very likely to fall into the trap of the halo effect.

The best gift you can give those you love is your presence. Value that gift even when others are giving it to you.

The concept of lying is much deeper than what we are often taught. It's not just about claiming that "The White House is brown." Relationally, lying is the inconsistency between words and actions. The more inconsistencies, the more lies there are. Be careful not to be blinded by your expectations of others based solely on what they say they will do.

The most important word in your vocabulary should be "No." It teaches you who you are, it protects you, and it teaches you who respects you and who only sees personal gain through your lack of boundaries.

The same patterns you used to survive a difficult childhood can be the ones that destroy you in adulthood. Acting from trauma, anxiety, anticipation, and defensiveness can lead you (and will lead you) to unwanted situations that will only worsen if you don't wake up. Examine and discover who you are so you can be in charge of your emotions, not the other way around.

The shadow you're unaware of (or don't want to accept) will control and destroy your relationships of all kinds. Radical acceptance of who you are will allow you not only to find your peace but also to experience love and all its nuances from the right place in your heart.

Those who refuse to carry their own burdens will hold you responsible for them. People who don't deal with their demons will sooner or later blame you for having them.

To love is to open layers of your heart. The more you love, the more layers open (and the more vulnerable you are). Be careful when choosing to whom you give that power.

True relationships will have difficult conversations and moments. As long as it's possible to work through them, relationships will find strength in navigating those paths.

We know so little that we know nothing. Understanding this maxim will allow you to open all doors at once. There is no certainty about anything. There are always different interpretations of everything.

Corollary: To know, ask. Every human being is a world unto themselves, and understanding is achieved through active conversation.

When in doubt, ask. In an open and non-binary way: What, how, when, where, why? Questions will help you know if your interpretation of what you hear aligns with the message being communicated to you.

You will never, ever know the true motivations of someone who approaches you. Some will reveal themselves in a couple of days, others will take years. That said, the person you trust most should always be yourself.