Stuck.

5:10 am.

While the dawn in the sky slowly clears up and my thoughts remain increasingly foggy after 30 minutes of sleep, the biggest struggle at the moment is that my feelings, as in a bottleneck, pile up and blend; cutting both their clarity and the capacity to let them go.

One clear confusion, oxymoronically speaking, is that to this point and in new spheres of interaction, I no longer know who the hell I am now. 

It would be easy to just answer this -oxymoronically framed- wondering; however, it is so complex that no matter how much I do try to dig into every (sometimes even painfully) calculated (and defined by who do I want to be) decision, some of them take me by surprise in such a deep level, that it feels like a new person (or my true person) has taken over my self and leads every scenario... from kisses shared at 6:00 am with a cherished and wanted love, to an unexpected fight with a total stranger.

That on the side of one (fractalic) thought.

And then it is the feelings. 

There, also, the so-called new (true) person manages at their best with feelings known just recently, like a blindfold that is finally gone and allows her to see every colour for the very first time.

I would love to dig into explaining how this part is, but this is truly not possible. 

Suffice it to say that, after growing up, a normal adult person has experienced almost the whole range of emotions a human can experience... And this person is experiencing and managing all of them, every time they happen, as if they were her very first time... 

I guess a good consolation for this part is 

that I will definitely get used 

to feel in a different 

(maybe better)

way.

This overwhelm-ness, though, is the struggle. 

The stuckness.

The pain.

Do I accept this version of me?

Should I embrace this version of me?

Is it okay if I like it?

6:03 am.

Time to try and sleep a little, at least.